I dont know why shes not a foreign diplomat with all the people she can bring together. Theres also Guys, sorry, I wont be able to make it., The kitty I am catsitting has fallen asleep in my lap. Also Go ahead and get your friends to hate me and think Im mean, if its ever helpful to you. "It's Friday baby!! I also find why do you ask? really handy as a polite way to signal someone is being nosy. I think it depends a lot on context. Glad that this day is not that worse. What is the stuff?? (FWIW, Im not that extreme myself. Leisure time is notI give up my leisure time to hem her pants or help her move back from college or make her dinner. I guess turning down invites is probably just a point of stress for me though, because people have historically gotten annoyed at me for being busy and turning down their invites, when its just like Please find out if Im actually available first so you dont take it personally that I cant hang this weekend?. Just kind of wanting to converse by text or something. It might help to keep in mind that for most people, the question is pretty innocuous. I wanted to stayyou can make why do you ask? be a friendly lineand you probably should. But different cultural norms! - Joseph Addison - Middle age is when you're sitting at home on a Saturday night and the telephone rings and you hope it isn't for you. Relatedly, this is not an impolite thing to say. My go-to script for these (which I HATE) is an equally noncommittal, Why, whats up? Im not saying I do or dont have plans, but Im going to figure out why theyre asking me the question. Im with this LWask me to do a specific thing or dont. It's to funny for everybody. Why, whats up?, Yessss exactly. You an also use it to deflect people like the commenters who are entirely not malicious, because it can serve the same purpose of filling small talk, providing a topic of easy conversation, and/or signaling that you are busy but flexible to people you actually like. Theyre expecting to hear seeing a movie and doing some yardwork, not reciting my social security number out loud while treating my intimate medical issues or anything else not normally shared with a crowd. I still have the same question of why do this? Weekend is like God's blessing! At least Im bright enough to stay out of the control panel and remember my passwords. There was a bit at first, and SHE had some learning to do in terms of how she reacted (example: her dad said, Were going over to Grandmas tonight, and she started to blow up at us about making plans for her. I love so hard your example in #3. I was usually planning board game evenings and role playing games and I only tried to ask people whom I knew to be interested in what I was planning. I dont feeling hes hitting on me exactly, though I am not answering in a way he likes/expects (am I supposed to be chatty bc Im young-ish and female? Im also self employed and use a similar excuse. A lot of the people old enough to have adult children at this point still put phone communication on some kind of pinnacle in their minds, because thats what they grew up with. Answer vaguely. On the other hand, that was a while ago. Basically, I dont think people are trying to be manipulative and I do think youre overthinking this, OP. Oh, stop it, will you? Busy busy busy! What are you up to? This week is bad for me, but next week Im free except Tuesday. I see it my grandmothers A LOT, and how its been passed down to their daughters mainly. 4) "When asked what I did over the weekend, I reply, 'Why, what did you hear?'" 5) And it's weekend memes baby!!! If they play extra coy with me, Ill just be extra cryptic in return. You can be too busy for a request, or have no conflict if you want. I get a bit awkward when people ask me that question too, because of the whole half-agreeing to plans before theyre actually exposed (I never considered it nosy personally but I can see how it might come across that way). How about you? I probably picked it up from my mom, who does the same thing. I mean, where are you REALLY from, but whats up is harder, since nothing/dont know tends to elicit a why not? or you should be/do more fun! And I dont know what to say to that, because no just seems rude and I didnt invite them to improve my life. That is a question I ask a lot, but its aim for me usually isnt to exepect that if they are not doing things they will be free for whatever I want. In these cases, we are all just curious and looking for stuff to talk about. But then theres her Im going to need you to be my helper for Christmas Day because Im getting older, and that doesnt seem so presumptuousits MY Christmas Day and MY extended family too. Because our societys patterns absolutely will not let anyone think it could be possible that what I, for example, would be doing with that time is letting my brain process the mathematics that will lead to an invention that most of us will never hear about, but it will make all of our lives better. I also see are you free Saturday? or What are you doing tonight? as potential traps and in part its because in college the manager of the dining hall I worked at would call, start with What are you doing tonight? and then argue that whatever I said was less important than covering a shift for someone. Point 1 also notes that LW apparently finds the small-talk aspect unusually invasive ze doesnt wish to share zir plans at all, while many people consider this to be a low-stakes social bonding ritual. It shows that you're a calm and cool person who is easy to talk to and has no problem whether someone says hey or hello. I miss you though, can we plan dinner soon? And I have a date Saturday, but I would love to get a phone call-catchup on the calendar if youre freemaybe Sunday afternoon? (These examples are all people I want to spend time with I also use a lot of swamped this weekend! Although I do the opposite: Im ALWAYS busy/have to work, when certain people ask. You dont sound like you belong here isnt really the friendliest way to get to know someone, even if the intentions are good. How can I ask in a way that minimizes that feeling? Im relearning advanced math as an adult because it seems fun and Im bitter that I grew up in an atmosphere that discouraged me from learning. I would much rather receive hey want to check out the Frida Kahlo photography exhibit? or are you free to take the kids for a few hours??? Why insist on these parental avenues of control and dominance over another adult, when it has already harmed your relationship and can only do more harm? Its usually along the lines of what are you doing on April 17th? Of course I dont likely have plans that far away, and I feel tricked into committing to be his date for some boring thing on a precious Saturday evening. It's funny I don't even register the question "How are you?" (I've lived equal times on the West and East coasts of the US), but I see a couple of UK commenters upthread and when I lived there I never, ever got used to "You alright?" which, functionally, isn't that different. My mum likes to do similar things, trying to out me on the spot and pressure me to agree to things when Im on the phone to her. I never thought about the fact that some people might be actually trying to relieve the pressure! Absolutely, this too. Important points about both solutions is a) she gets to participate in the decision and doesnt just get told and b) she makes her own timetable about chores. Sometimes, answering a question with a question is the best strategy. Since "doing" is an action verb, we need to use the adverb "well" to describe that action. Once upon a time I had a friend. I dont remember why anymore but at some point I agreed to share my google calendar with this friend. I think the idea at first was to make it easier to plan hangouts. Read. She can of course say, Im taking some mental-health time, and live with whatever fallout from being an unhelpful family member. UGH. Its great that you can come!. It is perfectly ok to want some calm alone time or time with a cat watching Winter Olympics (that is actually great, our cats especially seem to love skiing) and no-one else really needs to know. None of us see each other over weekends. Sometimes I feel like this is just another Hi, how are you? kind of question that can be sort of skipped over. I really like this point! If you have never phrased commands to her that way, yup, thats on her. Then there is the Miss Manners rebuff, where the pitch is level until the final word is raised. Climbing mt laundry! to invent some activity or decide how much to share), and 3.allowing you to then respond either positively or negatively to whatever suggestion comes next. We should definetely try to avoid stealth scheduling questions. Yeah, I ask this of people because Im making conversation! Making conversions . I get that I might not be asked to future events as well. If you cant imagine feeling the same way as the LW, that doesnt make the LWs feelings bad or less-than. Doesnt work with friends / family obviously, but I have to consult my husband every single time when it comes to sales pitches / offers in retail / invitations from strangers etc. Id be open to a one-on-one hangout but just out of energy for any group thing, if thats why youre asking laundryall the laundry. But I explained that I feel like Im being put on the spot- and I would prefer that she just ask me what she wants. The second interpretation of this question is, what are you doing in life? Thank you for a better way to ask this question. Just treating it as a question of not disclosing/being private is entirely the wrong approach. And I hate being rude, also as a woman I am hardcore trained to not ever be rude, so at this point for me sticking to my guns and saying no, I cant do that thing with you (even though this person now knows I technically CAN) is very difficult because it turns into: I dont WANT to do this thing with you, and thats a no-no (around here, I mean). I would think that any event for which one needs to book a venue and/or hire a caterer would also be the sort of event to which one sends some sort of formal invitation, which is not really the case for the situations the LW describes. My own mother STILL phrases things the way she did when I was a teen like, How would you like to take out the garbage? well, I wouldnt LIKE to take out the garbage at all! 2. Everyone else usually stops after the how-are-yous are exchanged. We had to interrupt her to say, We = mom and me, and you got mad so fast, we never got to say would you like to come along? That's why you should remember these funny responses to "what are you going to do with your life" for the next time the question pops up: If you have no idea what degree you're going to get or where you want to live in the future, pretend that you have something big planned, but don't want to ruin the surprise. Ugh. On Thursday or Friday, its got any plans for the weekend? and on Monday, its do anything fun this weekend? I dont think theyre trying to find it my deep personal secrets, its on the same level as hows it going? or wow, traffic was awful this morning, huh? and I answer at that same level (oh, this and that, how bout you?). (Seriously? to add: I think if there are people youre close to who do this a lot, like your sister, you can just tell them its a small thing but it bugs you and can they please ask a different way. ME to GROUP CHAT: [Friend] and I are planning karaoke on [date] If you are available and interested, please let me know by [date] and Ill reserve a room! This particular response though, is one of my favorite comments ever. Good luck. Thats kind of taking it 4 out of context to say they dont understand. Them We need to have lunch soon From the sound of it, this is a dynamic already in place where LW faces various sorts of family opprobrium if LW turns down the cousin, and this is what LW is reacting to. Excellent insight and analysis. Work it like a weekend warrior! But people should take turns is different from someone else should always go first (or for gendered/other status reasons, I should always go first). There have been days when I could be found dancing on the couch and all over the house with this and Bad Reputation on a playback loop, both middle fingers proudly in the air. If I have no specific plans, she thinks my time is hers (but you said you were doing nothing! and she likes to be like cousin in example 3, re her children doing lots of stuff for her because thats what good kids are supposed to do (and if were not performing like good kids, then shes a bad mother ~guilt guilt~) and she doesnt like to ask directly* so it often comes across as manipulative or passive-aggressive). And its hard to argue with. Published: August 09, 2021. Rob: I'm just leaving for work. I have close friends that Ive been upfront with and say Im totally a hermit, but I do like to be invited to events and will make them sporadically. Good, looks like the flowers are coming out (in Spring) Re #1, true that. I wouldnt mind your first either, but thats because the few people whod ask me exactly that are close enough for me to answer however Id like. I completely agree, it is always best to begin with the intention: I need a babysitter, I am planning a board game evening, I would love to spend time with you and catch up. It took a long time to figure out that I could just cheerfully respond, Why do you ask? In a friendly middle-class-lady voice, (almost as if I hope they are going to tell me something wonderful!). And then coming up with all kinds of bizarre but obvious lies about how they reason theyre acting that way is solely for *my* benefit. Its not over-sensitivity when people react to it theyre reacting to what they know is likely to be underneath it.. Im trying to train her out of the habit. Oh god then you might need to find less-jerky friends, probably. Yep, my wife and I too. , Related the person who just assumes youre doing whatever theyve planned for you because its a family thing and youre family or I asked Z and they said you were free* or What else would you be doing? Get a little philosophical and it'll get everyone off of your back. It never occurred to me to take this question literally. What about you?. I get lunch with my coworkers on Friday and there is a lot of so is anyone doing anything interesting this weekend? in our conversation. You enjoy making this girl smile and make her day with your humor. Shes moving and needs a van? Why? There are a couple of questions my Mother asks that trigger a Pavlovian eye-roll from me because I know they are invariably followed by a request for a favor, to the point where if someone else asks me the same question in a totally innocuous way, I still react to it. I learned to say Ill see where the weekend takes me, which leaves me open to accept invitations if I want to or to decline to work on Sunday if I dont want to. Its okay that sometimes Im in physical pain and need time to recuperate. Ze might, but you dont actually need an excuse to not provide free labor on demand. LW specifically said that LW is not bothered by this in peer-friends. If its something Im keen on, the answer is, Woot! Which is odd, because if anyone has an aura of genius around them, she does. in a family meeting you decide that father empties the dishwasher, daughter cooks on weekdays, mother cooks on weekends or whatever) which also lets her develope that skills. Its just one of the normal options. What are you planning? and nowadays I find that a great answer. Boy, do I need it. Are you planning something?. My blood pressure. Or you pretend to suddenly get involved in learning new cooking recipes, or working on your car, or doing competitive chess, or something that isnt a once-a-month kind of hobby. Although you risk hearing all about the questioners plans. In this case it has the added benefit of short-circuiting the waiting for you to say nothing so I can guilt you into babysitting gambit. Go For a Walk: One of the simplest and most fun things on weekends is going out for a walk. I am on the spectrum, so I would anxiety-spiral about whether, once again, I missed a basic social skill everyone else learned in kindergarten. I never know how to respond when service people ask How are you? and is seems almost like a variation of just saying hi. So the next time your phone rings you will be prepared. I eat most things except Mexican, but with some people I have learned to just make the decision or well spend so much time dithering that once we decide on a place, my lunch break will be over. Shampooing the grass. I think my own culture is more ask-y, but I had a pretty pushover personality and often felt, well, pushed around by the people around me. If you dont want to go, just say so. We received your email and will get back to you with a (human) response as soon as possible. Can you babysit for me? Oh, Im sorry, but Im visiting my in-laws that day. It can feel and be interpreted as quite awkward/rude/offensive/surprising to respond with just No, I dont want to or No, Im not up for that Of course it would be so much healthier if everyone we interact with had taken Captain Awkward 101: Accepting Refusals Gracefully, but the fact is, for many people its much more comfortable to offer an excuse to soften a no. Me: Nope. When you are waiting for the Good morning text. morning (and then bending my ear the whole way up the road, when if we were alone Id be chatting to my kids, and we quite like that) to the point where the doorbell would go and my kids would be saying oh god no, not them again! and Im shushing them, but feel exactly the same way. There are also times my kid can ask for help, and *I* dont get to say, eh, no, Id rather read a book. Not if I want to consider myself her family. Eventually I got consistent work as a freelancer, something I could do from home even when I was in pain or needed oxygen etc. It sounds like he'd get into some fun and adventurous dates. You are never going to stop hearing this question from relative strangers and new acquaintances, but I think with close friends or family, you should be able to say to them the next time, you know Im a pretty straightforward person; if you want to invite me to something you can just ask me directly. or some variation thereof. A: I'm planning to just take it easy. Flying in a rocket ship. Your parent or in-law will not die if they cant railroad your schedule. See also, sometimes when someone is rude or difficult, I will pretend they said something nice or appropriate and respond with a total non-sequitur. It can still get extremely wearing through, and I do wish people would think more about when this conversation is appropriate and when Im maybe not up for answering a litany of questions that literally every stranger asks me (ie when Im obviously exhausted and struggling with four bags of groceries that I have to cart away on foot). Theres an important underlying truth here that I think we all have trouble with: We are not required to answer every question put to us. She looks so comfortable. A possible script: Sorry, Aunt, if I dont do laundry this weekend, Im not going to have any clean clothes. I had a hard time staying employed and taking care of myself because I have a chronic illness, and the alternative to living with my parents would be to figure out how to apply for section 8 housing and Disability, both of which have a long wait list. And it happens often enough, with friends/family/acquaintances, that it can get annoying, but I generally dont jump straight to why do you ask unless theyve previously over-stepped in presuming my time was theirs since Im doing nothing (that I want them to know about or feel like talking about). I hear you. Fine, thanks.. Setting a timer or alarms. It means people will help you less, go out of their way for you less, give you poorer recommendations for your next job, and on and on. Gah, I still worry though, like Blueberry Pancaaakes said about her sister, what if she cancels plans she needed or would have enjoyed? heres what i dont get: why would it be a problem, in the scenario youve given, to say, eh, i wish, but im swamped this week, shitYXZs been happening, ill ping you next week tho. Thanks for the invite though!. I need you to babysit. Basically the thing you wrote about duties like babysitting, expanded to fun events. I hate this question too because likeI dont always pick up on it! Situation #4: You have to say "no.". Try to be kind and positive in your response. Me: Dunno, but probably not. But most native speakers will still answer with the single word "Good.". Even though Ive done the layering myself, I dont usually hear it as an attempt to give me all possible puts. Funny Responses to "What Are You Doing?" I love having something witty, funny, or even sarcastic cued up in response to one of the most common questions asked in any given day. I find myself physically unable of disturbing her. I hate ditherers with the passion of a thousand suns. 4. This way Im letting them know why in the same breath, and giving them a potential out. I have one dear friend in particular that has the busiest social life I know. Another good script Ive heard for when the person is clearly trying to invite you to something is What did you have in mind?, If theyre small-talking, you can say something like Hopefully relaxing and destressing. It sounds like you find the second uncomfortable or have had bad experiences with people misusing it to manipulate you. They may want to squee about something exciting, or vent about something theyre dreading, but theyd feel rude unless they ask you first. Can't complain. We cheerfully said we were free, assuming there was going to some festive get together and wanting to make friends. The method that has been the most successful for me is to ask one person if theyre available/interested in an event, work out a date, and then specify such event in a group chat. It sort of came to a head last week when I was on the toilet, and the kid came to the door, and my kid answered the door, and the conversation was like Good old traffic, Ill probably be stuck out all day!, or Nope, gotta get the groceries, what about you?, or Nah, looking forward to some peace and quiet, hows your Wednesday looking?. For the record, I will totally cat-sit for you. Whereas it might feel more awkward/imposing for her, and less for me, to just ask outright, Do you want to go to [event] on [this day]?. LW, I forgot the part where you said some of this is coming from people youre chatting to on dating websites, and you feel like its an attempt to get you to plan the date. I grew up in the Guessiest Guess household ever my mother once quit a job because they said they liked her work so much that theyd like her to do more shifts, and she was angry at being put in the position of having to say no so I didnt come out of childhood equipped with much of a toolbox for saying no assertively. I usually end up saying something noncommittal like I might be doing xyz, but Im not sure yet why? and waiting to see what the actual deal is. I get you wanting to be met at the airport under those circumstances. Although I have one co-worker who apparently does laundry on weekdays sometimes. Aunt: Are you doing anything this weekend? I dont know. And I try to be easier on myself for not having more exciting weekend plans. For example, when Sean Hayes started to sing "beautifully" on the show, Ellen said, "Ok, we have to take a break.". Trust issues and controlling family? I used to get really annoyed with this question from my sister, specifically, for the reasons LW gives. Maybe I wont be all that interested in helping her someday. They help us tons, just because they love us and were family. Youll all be healthier and live longer if they learn some manners in how they treat you. This realization makes me like Tuesdays more.) *drops a house on MLM guy*, Heh. or are you busy?). In general, most people will expect a response like this when they . What are you doing this weekend? More and more, Ive been owning that I dont ever have to say yes. A professor I studied under said she, without thinking about it, had an automatic habit of spotting people likely to do that oh Im so nice to your differentness type of racism and trying to run interference to keep them from saying that crap around her grad students. When I have no plans I tend to respond with some variant of Just chilling, and then if the person offers something that I want to do, I can decide its more fun than chilling, but if I dont want to do it, then its been a long week and I just really need that chill time, you know? We need to have lunch soon. Okay, then invite me, and dont hint for an invitation. Nothing very interesting. What works for you? However, it is true that "hanging out" is not what a person often thinks of as "OMG awesome must be there!" Your friends and family will get off the phone with you and wonder why they aren't grabbing life by the horns the way you are. Dont for a second feel guilty about judging a nosy male as no good if they ask nosy questions and show any sign of caring if you dont answer. She could NOT grasp that she was experiencing a cultural difference and the question wasnt going to stop because a) people were genuinely curious and/or wanted to show they were interested in her as a person and b) she was living in a part of the country where small talk was expected and people would consider it rude NOT to ask that question. But you, yours steals the show every time. Sometimes we have plans that I can adjust if there is something she wants to do. Before people jump on this as reading too much into the situation, I want to point out that at in many, many cultures (I actually work on related research so Im familiar with a lot of academic studies on the topic), the preferred way to refuse a request for help is apology+reason e.g. Rock on, Helen. It happens every time I get him as a teller. Evenings and weekends may take us a little bit longer. Then Ill say Whats up? or Whats going on then? or What did you have in mind?. With strangers (e.g., cashiers) and other people you dont know personally well (casual acquaintances, colleagues with whom you are not also friends, etc. What I usually say is, Not bad, not bad, how bout yourself?. Im struggling not so much w/ her being at home as I am w/ my worries about her, and with trying to decide whats the best thing for me to doapply pressure? No more Did I say sunday I meant saturday, now you have to change all your weekend plans ever again. If they want to invite me to something Im interested in and available for, I can say yes, and if its something I cant do, I can say I have other plans, etc without it sounding weird. Is it a throwaway social nicety, or a veiled attempt to get you to accept a task or invite? ? I had a boss once who sometimes wanted to know if I could work overtime on the weekend, but sometimes wanted to know if there was quirky events on that her daughter might be interested in. And then both go on to other things. More detailed/truthful responses are typically only shared with close friends or family. So, when they ask what youre doing this weekend and seem likely skip ahead to of course youre going to my potluck and bringing the thing I promised everyone youll bring without actually asking you and/or so you can babysit ALL WEEKEND LONG, be ok with letting them down. I appreciate the suggestions about responses, having to deal with a pushy in-law (nosy for information and has a big sense of entitlement). I also use ooh, Im not sure whether Im driving my stepson to his Dads that weekend, Ill have to check for longer-term put-offs. Any fun plans? Thursday is good for me. I honestly dont know how young people are functioning as well as they are, given that. 4. Person B: Oh, fine, thanks. I feel like sometimes there is such a huge anti-parent bias among the commenters here. Simply say something you're obviously not doing. Those non-negotiable things come up probably twice a month, at most. Lets just say there were a few comments along the lines of look, if this Pampered Chef isnt your personal yaoi cup of tea, thats fine, but do you have to be so judgy about what your friends into?, Exactly!
